Happy Birthday to You, Mr. Bambino

Today is Lenny Bambino’s birthday.

Lenny embodies everything that is wrong with the Americans in this Ukrainian workplace—he has shiny white teeth and beady black pupils; a salesmanny voice which he uses loudly and often; a laughing-solely-at-your-expense sense of humor; and most abhorrently, a weird mustache.

But people seem to like him. Especially the other sales staff. They think he’s a really funny guy.

Let me recount the reasons why I am not one of these people.

Right after he first introduced himself to me, he asked me if I could refill the paper towels in the staff bathroom. This request in itself isn’t necessarily a reason to hate him; it’s just that the paper towel dispenser was actually full.

The second time he spoke to me, he said that the water that came out of the water cooler tasted like toilet water and that I should check the filter. Once again, a valid request… had the filter not just been changed.

The third time he spoke to me, we were in the elevator with two of the other sales executives. He asked me if I knew anything about what the company did. Amazingly, I rode out six more stories in that elevator without kicking him in his bambinos.

And Friday, when he left work, he went out of his way to say, “Good work, McQ.” Sarcasm, I’m sure, because I hadn’t even spoken to him on Friday. What. A. Jerk.

So today, as I said, is Lenny Bambino’s birthday. There was some talk about potential birthday treats amongst the sales staff (wait, you guys DON’T hate cupcakes and puppies and all that is good in this world?), but I suggested to my supervisor that if we start doing birthdays for one person, we then have to do birthdays for everyone. My supervisor agreed with me and vetoed the birthday treats for Lenny. Being Lenny's bitch isn't in my job description--though I suppose being a bitch to Lenny isn't in my job description either.

In any case, this is my birthday wish to you, Mr. Bambino! May frosting not glob up your weird mustache today! Happy fucking birthday!